Employers to applicants nowadays: bend over and take it, you fat bitch!

Like felons in a community shower with limited soap, applicants nowadays are bending over trying to prostitute themselves out, but only a lucky few get some action.  Companies are such fucking assholes now since unemployment is high and they can pick and choose who they want to hire.  They seriously treat you throughout the entire hiring process like they are doing you a favor by speaking with you.  I had a phone interview with a large company in Newport Beach where I had exactly the experience they were looking for and I got a phone interview because I knew an insider.  

At first, HR treated me extremely well and was very courteous when setting up my phone interview because they were interested in me.  The phone interview with the hiring manager went very well and he told me at the end of the call that they liked me and wanted me to come in to meet them.  I felt wanted like a hundred pound blond with D-tits at that point. Within days, HR starting treating me like we met at a rave, high on E, and they were coming down and they weren’t sure whom they’ve met.  They asked me which days I was available to come in, to which I promptly responded.  For the next month they occasionally emailed: “maybe this would be a good day or this one.” Of course I followed up each and every time.  

After four weeks I emailed and called the HR lady to get a status update and the bitch didn’t even have the decency to return my calls.  I have experienced this crap with other employers also.  The real anal rape (with no vaseline) I received the next month was a generic email that said: “thanks, but we found someone else.”  Are you fucking kidding me? They tell me they like me and we’re scheduling follow-up interviews and you just slam the door in my face like I gained 50 pounds and developed a loose pussy? DAMN!

Is this trailer trash allstar week on Jeopardy?

Yes, I do watch Jeopardy and enjoy it, but I am embarrassed by today's characters.  Look at Alex, very sharp and professional, and resectable.  Contestant #1 looks like she's wearing a sausage casing to hold her fat rolls together:

 #2 looks like she has never left Oklahoma:

#3 is a drunk Indian:

WTF?? Respect Jeopardy!

You want to get paid to do nothing like I do...are you sure?

Seriously, I get paid to do almost nothing, which may sound great, but it's really not.  Frequently people tell me that it's much better than being unemployed, but it feels like a toss up.  When I was unemployed I didn't make much money, naturally, but I got to relax at the beach, watch porn, spank the monkey, then nap in the middle of the day, in additional to trying every happy hour in the region.  Now I just sit in an office where almost nothing interesting ever happens and every day I feel like Bill Murray in Groundhogs Day.  Yes, occasionally I do have some BS work to do, most of it made up by my boss that has zero effect on us or society.  I also answer remedial questions from financial advisors who don't know shit about investments.  Yes, these same "professionals" tell regular Joes what to do with their money, but know so little they have to come to me for advice!

Let me tell you about the most difficult aspect of my job: killing time.  I sit in an office right next to the CEO's office and can't exactly watch sports or do a workout video to pass the time.  I need to pretend I'm actually busy so I don't get fired.  There are various ways I accomplish this:

1) have various presentations scattered all over my desk
2) work on spreadsheets on my PC which are actually related to my personal investments since this job doesn't require me to analyze much else
3) Text my friends dozens of times per day via Google Voice's web interface, which makes it look like I am working on something important


I calculate that have 60 minutes of actual work to do each day.  This leaves a staggering seven hours to kill every day!  Here's a breakdown of how I destroy these seven hours:


1 hour: Cutting coupons.  I'm not shitting you, I follow coupon cutting websites so I can buy my food and lame toiletries without bending over for retail stores. F paying $4 for toothpaste or shower soap when I can get it for $1.  No, I'm not one of the doucebags on TV who buys 50 boxes of Frosted Flakes so their entire family can pig out and get diabetes.


1 hour: Chatting online and answering personal email.  Do I have anything important to share? NO.  Do my friends? NO.  Do we need to kill time? YES.


1 hour: Researching and planning happy hours. By the name of this blog you should know I am a drunk bastard.  Not only that, I am a cheap ass who wants to pay as little as possible to get loaded.  I refuse to go to a fancy bar where their "happy hour" drinks are $7.  Are you kidding me? I am about to go drink a tallboy of PBR served in a paper bag for $2:

1 hour: Searching for a real job. I know I have it made here, but I spent the better part of a decade studying and working after undergrad, so I would eventually like to use my brain, drive a Porsche and say "F You!" to poor people who were too lazy to do the same.



45 minutes: Arriving late, leaving early.  I accomplish this without trouble by monitoring the calendars of all management around me.


1 hour: Working out at the gym and going out to lunch.  This takes one hour in addition to the hour allotted for lunch!  Do you know what I miss at work being gone so long? Absolutely nothing.


15 minutes: Bathroom visits.  I drink more than half a gallon of water at work, not to mention all the beer I am recycling from the previous night, so I piss OFTEN.

1 hour: Breaks outside and in kitchen.  I don't smoke, but I do take as many breaks as the common nicotine whore.  This is a beautiful neighborhood and I'd rather stand outside and breathe fresh air then be stuck in my white-collar prison cell, smelling my own B.O.

Enough for now.  Goodbye and thanks for reading!

Parents who bring children to happy hour should be punished

Happy hour is a sacred public meeting place for adults to come together, get drunk, eat unhealthy foods and talk shit.  There they can get buzzed on as many cheap drinks as they please, eat a week's worth of cheesy bar foods and talk smack about their employers, friends and significant others in a politically incorrect environment free from public judgement.


Adults who bring children to happy hour both violate the sanctity of happy hour and expose their children to unsavory elements.  


I really don't care what manure these children hear coming out of my mouth, but I don't want to be treated like a dick for talking about choking hookers while drinking my cadillac margarita in an adult environment.  These people are not forced to seat their families in the bar area (especially at La Capilla, HB).  Some even have the gall to seat their children at the bar (SuperMex, HB) where real life drunks (and possibly felons) are seated!


Parents, do yourselves, your kids and your local drunks a favor and let people who purposely used birth control and consume alcohol excessively to have a room of their own at your local restaurant.


Thank you,
Drunk G

Self addressed stamped envelopes, junk mail, and anal itching

Getting junk mail at home irritates me for a few reasons but I do my best to get revenge on the A-holes that send that crap to me.  I think it's really rude to send litter to my home from some worthless marketing company in BFE and then expect me to do business with them or force me to recycle their crap.  Fortunately, these inconsiderate jerks (Cox, AAA, BofA and many others) include self addressed stamped envelopes (SASE)  with their crap to assist me with the recycling process.  I simply tear up all the garbage they send to me, stuff it into SASE and mail it back to BFE.  Occasionally, the SASE is large enough to include junk mail from other senders, which helps me keep my home office uncluttered.  Yesterday I noticed a pamphlet on anal itching that I no longer needed so I mailed it to one of the junk senders, on their dime, for them to read and recycle.  My favorite related story involves a man who received excessive junk mail from one company.  To get revenge, he attached a SASE to a used car tire and send it to those jerks.  They stopped contacting him after that.


Did you know the post office is projected to lose $6B this year? I am trying to help them get back into the black by utilizing the SASEs.  In fact, I feel they should double or triple the price of sending junk mail.  This would benefit both the post office and the environment.

Costco, get those ridiculous wedding rings away from the front door!

You are driving me insane by putting that crap right by the entrance so my girlfriend has to see it every time we want to stop by to buy food or toiletries.  Do the rings really need to be unavoidable every time I enter the warehouse?  I am trying to buy beer, a chicken, a giant tube of KY, maybe even a t-shirt if I'm lucky.  I don't need to be pressured by my girlfriend to burn $20k on a useless ring, so please hide these things in the back of the store.  

How about putting exercise equipment at the front to encourage all the obese customers to get active? That would be a lot more useful.

Cash Cab and race

I like this show, but it's impossible for me to not guess how well the contestants will do by race.  Call it racist if you must, but I call it the way I have seen it.  When Jews or fat, white execs enter the cab, I not only know they will reach their destination, but I bet they will earn over a grand.  Today I watched an episode where four black women entered the cab and I thought, "Oh, shit.  They are being dumped out in the rain."  Call me an asshole, but I predicted it and it happened.


P.S. -- Also, when you get fat Asian or Indian chicks, they tend to do well also.