You want to get paid to do nothing like I do...are you sure?

Seriously, I get paid to do almost nothing, which may sound great, but it's really not.  Frequently people tell me that it's much better than being unemployed, but it feels like a toss up.  When I was unemployed I didn't make much money, naturally, but I got to relax at the beach, watch porn, spank the monkey, then nap in the middle of the day, in additional to trying every happy hour in the region.  Now I just sit in an office where almost nothing interesting ever happens and every day I feel like Bill Murray in Groundhogs Day.  Yes, occasionally I do have some BS work to do, most of it made up by my boss that has zero effect on us or society.  I also answer remedial questions from financial advisors who don't know shit about investments.  Yes, these same "professionals" tell regular Joes what to do with their money, but know so little they have to come to me for advice!

Let me tell you about the most difficult aspect of my job: killing time.  I sit in an office right next to the CEO's office and can't exactly watch sports or do a workout video to pass the time.  I need to pretend I'm actually busy so I don't get fired.  There are various ways I accomplish this:

1) have various presentations scattered all over my desk
2) work on spreadsheets on my PC which are actually related to my personal investments since this job doesn't require me to analyze much else
3) Text my friends dozens of times per day via Google Voice's web interface, which makes it look like I am working on something important


I calculate that have 60 minutes of actual work to do each day.  This leaves a staggering seven hours to kill every day!  Here's a breakdown of how I destroy these seven hours:


1 hour: Cutting coupons.  I'm not shitting you, I follow coupon cutting websites so I can buy my food and lame toiletries without bending over for retail stores. F paying $4 for toothpaste or shower soap when I can get it for $1.  No, I'm not one of the doucebags on TV who buys 50 boxes of Frosted Flakes so their entire family can pig out and get diabetes.


1 hour: Chatting online and answering personal email.  Do I have anything important to share? NO.  Do my friends? NO.  Do we need to kill time? YES.


1 hour: Researching and planning happy hours. By the name of this blog you should know I am a drunk bastard.  Not only that, I am a cheap ass who wants to pay as little as possible to get loaded.  I refuse to go to a fancy bar where their "happy hour" drinks are $7.  Are you kidding me? I am about to go drink a tallboy of PBR served in a paper bag for $2:

1 hour: Searching for a real job. I know I have it made here, but I spent the better part of a decade studying and working after undergrad, so I would eventually like to use my brain, drive a Porsche and say "F You!" to poor people who were too lazy to do the same.



45 minutes: Arriving late, leaving early.  I accomplish this without trouble by monitoring the calendars of all management around me.


1 hour: Working out at the gym and going out to lunch.  This takes one hour in addition to the hour allotted for lunch!  Do you know what I miss at work being gone so long? Absolutely nothing.


15 minutes: Bathroom visits.  I drink more than half a gallon of water at work, not to mention all the beer I am recycling from the previous night, so I piss OFTEN.

1 hour: Breaks outside and in kitchen.  I don't smoke, but I do take as many breaks as the common nicotine whore.  This is a beautiful neighborhood and I'd rather stand outside and breathe fresh air then be stuck in my white-collar prison cell, smelling my own B.O.

Enough for now.  Goodbye and thanks for reading!